If you are not 21 years old, then just listen and take notes. Those who are, let the message sink in. We all have that certain “boost” to get us ready for the day: Some play video games, play that one song that sets a positive mood, work out in the morning, and stuff like. The point I’m putting out is that people have some kind of ritual to put them in the state of mind where they can relax and have less care of any outcome to their day.
Now, when it comes to trying to meet people in bar-like settings, or at parties, the choice of motivation is alcohol. We all have done it, especially guys: Hanging out with your friends who then see a girl you be would interested in. They encourage you to go talk to her, but you got that wall of fear (worried too much about rejection) and can’t make yourself go over there. You decide to give it a little time and have a few more drinks. You start to feel a little tipsy, a little bit better about yourself, then you go in for the “how do you do?”
2 things could have happened; the drinking could have helped, or made it worse. If it helped, you only had a few, and all it did was help you get break the nervous wall and got to meet someone new. The negative is honestly fun watch if you are an outside observer. You could have overdone the drinking, and made a complete ass of yourself
Some things to look out for when you overdue the booze:
· Major dizziness
· Telling people you are drunk
· Trouble speaking words (mumbling, slurring, people asking you to repeat what you said)
· Inability to keep your balance when standing
· Forgetting where you are
· Telling everyone you love them, though you don’t even know their name
· For guys, talking to a girl and starring at her chest the entire time
· Ladies, being super loud and letting the whole world know they are all beneath you
· Wanting to turn the music up really loud and talk over it
· Going to the bathroom wherever you feel like it
· Most important, forgetting that you ever talked to the girl that you drank so much for to talk to.
It’s not a pretty sight when your first impression is that you know how to party. People usually do not want to know that at the beginning, even at a party. They want to see you can handle yourself, but not afraid to get crazy from time to time. Now, if you are drinking to bottle away some fear, here are some easy tips:
· Drink slowly. Your friends might hassle you for “babysitting” your drink, but just ignore it.
· Don’t drink so many at once. After you have one, wait a while to have another. If it’s a mixed drink, maybe put more of the soft drink than the liquor in the next few.
· Guys, get something girly. Something that is super bright in color, and fruity in taste. Most of us don’t like that stuff, so drinking it slowly won’t be hard. The best thing about that is girls will see it and want to know what it is, or randomly point out that the drink is a little girly for you. Good opener.
· Ladies, if you don’t like beer, learn to. Like the guys with fruity drinks, girls with beer catch our attention, especially if it’s the same beer we’re drinking. And easy to sip if you don’t like it.
I do not encourage drinking every time to just build up courage. This is only another training wheel exercise. Eventually, once you become more social, you won’t even want to drink. It becomes more an obstacle than a boost.
If watched the video I made with the pictures a few posts ago, then this week is going to be not so educating. The only difference is now my class had me add my voice to it as narration. I also added a few other effects at the last minute to spice it up a little. Like I said this blog is for a class and I will post some random stuff to meet requirements. A few more videos will be posted within the month. Those will be a little bit more interesting with interviews and interactions.
People can be cruel. They will bring you close because they know you will bend over backwards for them whenever they ask for something. I’m here to warn you about those people. I was once one of those individuals that would be the “nice guy” and have no problem picking up things, picking up people, buying little things, etc. It honestly will start to get annoying, and you realize that you are not making good friends out of this.
Now, I might be speaking about your long term friends, people you hang out with religiously, but the advice can work on people you just meet as well. It could be the smallest thing in the world you don’t even notice. Always remember when you meet someone for the first time, there are a mini series of tests people, including yourself, are going to do to see how far you will go for someone for their attention. It could be the simplest question too, like “how old are you?” If someone asks you that, and you answer quickly, “I’m 21,” you are jumping through their hoops. Next question could be “can you buy me a drink?” or “can you watch my table man?”
Guys and girls do it alike. Girls just do it more, don’t believe me? Next time you approach a girl, ask her about the “no wallet game” somewhere in the conversation. I have had a lot of girls tell they would go out with the girlfriends without their wallet, and get all the drinks they want from guys. They make them jump through hoops and guys fall for it, making us think we might have a chance and be rewarded from buying that drink. You should never have to buy a girl a drink, or at least at the beginning. If you guys are having a real conversation, a spark is really flickering between you two, then it is ok. Sometimes, the girl will get you a drink; it’s a nice feeling switching the tables sometimes.
Still confused? Here’s an example:
I walk up to a girl (doesn’t always have to be a girl, but I have enough guy friends), and I start a conversation. It is a good couple minutes, talking about whatever, I am making her laugh and she is shoving me playfully showing interest (we will talk more about that another time). She then tries to make me jump through her hoops.
“How old are you?” she asks.
I reply, “Guess,” trying to make it a game.
If she tried to end it right away, “I don’t want to guess,” she wasn’t interested in talking to me; she was just entertaining me trying to get something out of me. Exotic dancers are very good at this.
Now, if she said a number, I got her jumping through my hoops. The difference between me and her is, I’m not testing her. If anything, I’m passing her test. I’m taking control of the conversation which is what most girls want in a guy correct?
What if it was reversed?
I ask, “How old are you?”
“Guess,” she says. I can either jump through her hoop and say a number, or take control.
“You want me to guess high or low?” I ask.
I just countered her question.
Now I know what some of you are thinking; I am thinking too hard into this, but when you talk to a stranger 80 percent of the time they will want to see what they can get out of you. You approach them; you might seem weak like you don’t have many friends and trying to make more. So they will pounce on that, “Get me something, pick me up later, show my friends that voice you just did, that trick you just did, be my dancing monkey.” Trust me you don’t want to be that person.
Alright, so I think everyone understands the approach methods, I repeated it enough times. For those who have used it you have probably had different responses. One is the positive response: Everyone found you funny and interesting. They could read that you are having a good time and interacting with everyone around you. That is an easy crowd to transition into more stuff with which I will talk about in later blogs.
What I want to talk about is other response that most likely was given; the mean or “bitchy” response. You walked up, put on your smile, asked a question, and all you get in return is completely rude and mean responses. I once walked up to a group, asked my question and they responded, “Do I know you?” After saying no they turned back around and completely ignored me. It is a hard concept to work with, but you can break that wall.
Most of the time people will not ignore you; they will put up a “defense shield.” Remember, these people do not know you. They are going to question your reasons for talking to them through a series of tests. Don’t take their crap. An easy way is to call them out on it. Never apologize for trying to meet them, “Oh I’m sorry to bother you;” what are you sorry for? At most public places, people are out to meet new people, but they don’t want just anyone to approach them. They want someone who is going to fight through and pass their tests.
I was out at JJ Madison’s one Tuesday, and saw a group of girls interacting at a table in the area where karaoke is going on. They were all laughing, having a fun time, and it seemed like at good opportunity to meet them during such a positive moment.
“Hey guys,” I said. “Which one is the singer in this group and going to help me with ‘Baby Got Back’?”
One girl responded, “Your face looks so shiny from here.” It was said with kind of a rude attitude. She was trying to lower my self esteem to make me feel embarrassed and possibly walk away. I was not going to let her win.
“Really? We must be a good match then. Have you been sweating?” The group laughed. They could not believe I shot back with a zinger about her appearance. She most likely acts bitchy to everyone who approaches them on their outings. She is like a guard dog, keeping any possible threat away from her friends.
I responded again, “It’s not bad, here,” I dabbed her cheeks with a napkin, “I have the magic touch.” She put on a smile, and gave me a thank you.
I let off enough evidence that I am not looking for anything else but interaction. I have no longer appeared threatening to anyone close to her. Just keep on that smile, and don’t take anyone’s crap.
Here is the time when the school part of this blog comes into play. I am learning how to the school’s video editor, and was assigned to make a slide show out of my pictures I posted two blogs ago. Nothing special this week, but I did add some nifty transitions between each picture.
By now you should be confident enough to approach almost anyone. Now, instead of just saying hello, or giving some interacting movement, it is time to set up for a conversation. The easiest way to open is by asking someone their opinion on something, or opinion opener. You are out for a walk, see someone interesting, and begin your approach. Remember body language: up straight, hands down, and talk over the shoulder. Grab their attention and begin asking their opinion on a subject; does not matter what the subject is. The question could be anything:
- Is short hair better than long hair?
- My friend got dumped by his girlfriend, should he try to get her back or not?
- Do you prefer black to white?
- Do drunk I love you’s count?
Become creative with your opinion opener, and think of something that could be fun and interesting to talk about.
This may seem difficult to grasp, and feel like no one will be gullible enough to respond to a random question from a stranger; yes they are. Anyone and everyone love using their brains, even for something silly and pointless. Also, since the answer does not matter, people are more than happy to give some of their free wisdom.
Remember to become creative with your opener. Find a question that really seems interesting to get others’ opinions from. It will not seem like such a chore when you are curious to the answer as well. It really does not matter what you say. The whole point is to just grab their attention. I once walked up to a group and said, “I like salad.” They thought it was funny and ask for my name.
So far, I have given the tools to become comfortable in your enviornment, and a few easy ways to approach interesting strangers. I want to review some of the key tips before continuing to the next steps:
#1: Find a place you can see yourself attend frequently.
#2: I highly recommend to attend the days there are specials being served.
#3: Meet the staff and get to know them. They will recognize you and be happy to see you.
#4: Always keep a smile. You will appear less threatening when positivity is spread across your face.
#5: Approach groups to the side with your head over your shoulder. Remember, they don’t know you either, and their guards will not be up as much when it looks like you are not staying.
#6: Keep your drink to side of you so you don’t play with it or sip from it every second. The more you mess with your drink, the more obvious it is you are nervous.
#7: During conversation, always keep a strong a eye contact. The second you break contact, the comfort with that person will slowly slip away.
#8: The conversation does not have to last all night; end it positive and/or come back later. Tink their glass with a smile and bid them farewell.
#9: Most importantly, have fun with it. Don’t focus so much on getting every step right. Do what you can and have a great time meeting new friends.
Now you have mastered your nerves, and found a comfortable place to call your own. It is now time to get out there and start meeting some strangers. You probably have already tried meeting some, but they have been quick with you, or perhaps seemed just as nervous as you did. Why did the conversation end so early? Why did they only answer yes or no? I know they were not busy, but why did they say they had to go? These will come up sometimes when making the approach and the reason may be because you were not approachable to begin with. Think about this: If someone ever approached you, did you sense that they were nervous? Or perhaps you felt they were coming on too strong? People, when interacting with one another, can feel each others’ body language through simple signs how you they stand, move, and look through facial expressions. There are some easy ways to make you seem more interesting just by shifting a few things:
- Do not slouch. If your shoulders are shrugged, your poster puts you into a downward motion set in front of you. Almost like you are walking and trying to curl into a ball at the same time. Some people will see you as lonely and unapproachable. Keep your head up, your hands to your side, and chest high. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but a straighter stance will show off more confidence and high value.
- Have a big smile; it is that easy. Whenever entering an area or a group of people always have a nice smile on your face. Nobody wants to talk to a person who looks like they are having miserable day. Even if it is not your day, but feel compelled to talk to some new people, put on a fake smile. If you have a smile, I promise at least one person will smile back. They are contagious, and most people can’t resist smiling to a smile.
- Try not to hold something in front of you or play with it during a conversation. For example, you are at a coffee shop and you just received your drink. You see someone in line and begin talking to him/her. You probably do not notice, but you might be playing with your straw or rubbing your finger across the rim of the cup as you talk. That can be a sign of nervousness; that person probably sees you as unconfident and unworthy. Also, simply holding a drink in front of you is not a good idea. When it is close to your mouth you will be tempted to drink from it periodically in the conversation. Just hold it to the side, and try not to interrupt the conversation so much by taking a sip.
- When approaching a person or group, do not approach head-on. In other words, do not straightly walk up and say hi. That person does not know you, and they will put up a shield when they know someone is deliberately coming towards them. Walk near them and open up with your shoulder to them. Turn your head over your shoulder and begin talking. This will make it seem like you suddenly noticed them, and you are not staying. With just this stance, people will be more open, and their guards will be down.
- During the conversation, look at that person in the eyes. That person will most likely be looking at your eyes through the entire conversation. If you start to wonder around while he/she is talking you will seem uninterested in that person. You will score major cool points by just keeping a strong eye contact.
- If you are still nervous about what to say, just simply open by saying hi. This is only the beginning of bettering yourself so it is alright not to have a conversation yet. Walk up to a person or group and say hi. Ask if they are having a good day, they will respond and you say, “Good to hear,” and walk away. Get the feeling of approaching, and knowing what it is like to simply speak to a stranger. Just by opening up will slowly take away the fear and give you a comfort zone. If you are still too nervous to say anything, give them a high five or give them cheers with your drink. Walk up, and “tink” their glass; I’m serious, it works. Do no forget to smile.
I recently got access to VIP at Club Myst in Scottsdale. When I first got there nobody has shown up yet. My friends and I made this the opportunity to look around and get a feel for the place. An hour has gone by and the dance floor began to fill up. I was in my VIP section, the white room, and notice some people that seemed to be having a good time. I walked by with my head high, drink to the side, and had a comforting smile; I made it seem like I noticed them in the corner of my eye, and approached them to the side. The seats were low, so I had to bend down to talk.
“Are you having a good time?” I asked.
She responded, “I am having the best time!”
I raised my glass towards her and she tinked it, giving me a cheers.
“It was a lot of fun meeting you,” I told her and walked away.
Another girl was in the middle of the VIP by the private bar, dancing by herself. Noticing that, I could tell she was going to have fun no matter where she is. I walked next to her and gave her a high five. She started to giggle and asked for my name. I offered her a drink and she offered me a seat at her section. We talked for a little while, went to the dance floor, tinked glasses, and I walked off.
I did not approach anyone else the rest of the night. I did not feel strong enough to continue on approaching and cheering everyone with my drink. However, I still had an amazing time with my friends in VIP and dancing all night. Yes…I dance.